Young Person's guide to metal
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Printed Date: 21 Dec 2024 at 10:06pm
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Topic: Young Person's guide to metal
Posted By: Sean Trane
Subject: Young Person's guide to metal
Date Posted: 09 Apr 2010 at 6:59am
Much in the light of the 50 ways to annoy the metalheads, I composed this list a few years back and had postedf it in ProgArchives, so I know Raff won't mind if I post it here .
Now that Lordi has won Eurovision (a few years ago), I am sure most of the archives members have been swamped with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since they are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right?
So, here goes the differences: The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan Ditto but with more finesse Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love�s eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castle�s security Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves. Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess�s dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band�s drummer to come in and save her Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight. Knights comes in dressed up like a [#&@?!] and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princess�s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts , spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes w**k off in the forest Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon Knight comes in, starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly After this short guide, if your parents still do not understand after this, invite your local Gore Metal group for a demonstration. ------------- my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from drug-addicted musicians to crazy ones.... 
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Replies:
Posted By: micky
Date Posted: 09 Apr 2010 at 7:05am
hahhahah I remember that... was one of the classic.. and funniest posts ever on PA's 
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Posted By: micky
Date Posted: 09 Apr 2010 at 7:12am
| hahhaha... god those are frickin hilarious.. |
Posted By: Sean Trane
Date Posted: 10 Apr 2010 at 5:43pm
mmmmhhh
one of three in my seriesof Young Person's Guide serie published in PA ------------- my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from drug-addicted musicians to crazy ones....
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Posted By: Time Signature
Date Posted: 04 May 2010 at 6:45pm
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That's class! :-)
Can you post links to the two other guides here? I can't find them in PA. ------------- 
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Posted By: AtomicCrimsonRush
Date Posted: 08 Jun 2010 at 2:20am
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Beautiful
Love this
GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER
Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess�s dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band�s drummer to come in and save her Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight -------------  GLAM METAL!
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