Vim Fuego “Smoke on the water. Fire in the sky.” The most famous words in metal.

“Smoke On The Water”. Deep Purple’s quintessential metal song (henceforth to be referred to as The Venerable Anthem) from the band’s career defining 1972 album ‘Machine Head’ –the blueprint for so much metal to follow. The deceptively simple riff, the soaring vocals, the pounding, driving back beat, Jon Lord’s swirling keyboards, Blackmore’s masterful solo. Black Sabbath had “Paranoid”, and Led Zeppelin had “Stairway to Heaven”, but neither has or had the mainstream recognition of The Venerable Anthem. It is an anthem for generations of rockers and bangers of varying hardness, a song instantly recognisable and appreciated by both headbangers, and non-metal, hell, even non-rock fans.

Every fan of The Venerable Anthem has a personal story to go with it. I was born the same year it was recorded. I first recall hearing it at the speedway with my Dad some time in the 1970s. In the 1980s, classmates at school were getting into rap and hip-hop, and one of the things they “dissed” (their stupid word, not mine) was Deep Purple and The Venerable Anthem. Naturally, the contrarian in me decided to go the other way, and decades later, when those disposable pop records of my fellow youths are long gone and embarrassingly not quite forgotten, The Venerable Anthem and Deep Purple’s legacy is still (Space?) Truckin’.

I have 21 versions of The Venerable Anthem. Four of them are the studio original by Deep Purple, variously from the ‘Machine Head’ album, two greatest hits albums, and a rock compilation album. There is also a ten minute live version. Other artists covering this iconic song are Black Sabbath (it was a live recording when Ian Gillan was fronting Sabbath, an incarnation occasionally dubbed Purple Sabbath), Bruce Dickinson, Polish thrashers Acid Drinkers, veteran Korean metallers Crash, death metal super group Six Feet Under, Soulfly, Metalium, Throne of Chaos, and, um, Pat Boone.

There’s a range of styles in those artists, from straight forward rockers, through thrash, groove and death metal, and even Pat Boone’s unmistakeable lounging around, but all remain respectful, and can be appreciated by all. The Venerable Anthem is often the first real rock song learned by many a budding guitarist because of its simple but infectious main riff, and long remains in many repertoires because of its lasting appeal. It is a song it seems it may be impossible to sully, wreck, destroy, or otherwise fuck up, no matter how incompetent the musician.

Until now.

Let’s back track just a little. To mark the 40th anniversary of the release of ‘Machine Head’, Drew Thompson of Thompson Music, came up with the idea of ‘Re-Machined’, a tribute to the album. Metallica responded within 20 minutes of his first approach, saying they would love to contribute, and would record “When A Blind Man Cries”. First minor hiccup- anyone who knows the ‘Machine Head’ album would realise that song isn’t actually ON ‘Machine Head’. Tragic Deep Purple fanboy Lars Ulrich loved the song, which was actually a B-side to the “Never Before” single. Who’s going to say no to Metallica? Thompson should have. “When A Blind Man Cries” was a B-side for a reason. It’s not terribly good. Metallica made the best of it, but the original material ain’t the flashest. Oh well.

Thompson managed to score a collection of more big names though. Iron Maiden contributed a storming rendition of “Space Truckin’”. Carlos Santana contributed “Smoke On The Water” (version #22 in my collection), with Jacoby Shaddix (Papa Roach) on vocals putting in a surprisingly dynamic performance. Super-mega-supergroup Chickenfoot provided an entertaining, driving live version of “Highway Star”. Say what you like about Sammy Hagar, but the old bastard can still sing! Black Label Society’s “Pictures Of Home” has an easy going, rolling swagger to it. Former Deep Purple singer/bassist Glenn Hughes joined the band after the ‘Machine Head’ album, but here teamed up with Red Hot Chili Peppers/Chickenfoot drummer Chad Smith to record “Maybe I’m A Leo”. Leather throated veteran Aussie rocker Jimmy Barnes paid his dues in the early 70s singing Deep Purple covers, and here scored a great bluesy cover of “Lazy” with modern day bluesman Joe Bonamassa, and Aerosmith guitarist Brad Whitford. The Kings of Chaos supergroup of Joe Elliott (Def Leppard), Steve Stevens (Billy Idol, Michael Jackson), Duff McKagan (Guns ‘n’ Roses) and Matt Sorum (Guns ‘n’ Roses, The Cult) put in an enthusiastic rendition of the oft-forgotten track from the original album, “Never Before”.

So far, so good. Eight of the nine tracks on this album range from a bit above mediocre (sorry Metallica) to the raging (Iron Maiden, Chickenfoot, Jimmy Barnes), and would have been a good place to end proceedings. However, Mr Thompson made a mistake. He added a second version of The Venerable Anthem.

Most Deep Purple fans, and metal fans in general would be unaware of The Flaming Lips. The alternative rock band has been going since 1983, and has won a handful of Grammys. Known for their psychedelic and sci-fi influences, The Flaming Lips have played “Smoke On The Water” live for many years. Now, for a band like that, their contribution to this tribute was hardly going to be straight forward. Added to the mix, the band recruited Butthole Surfers vocalist Gibby Haynes to participate. Haynes famously provided the nonsensical word salad vocals to Ministry’s “Jesus Built My Hotrod”. So what is the result?

An abomination unto all things metallic, deep and purple. A travesty. A turd floating in your pint of beer. The unfuckable Venerable Anthem is well and truly fucked.

The song starts with warped, almost fart-like noises. Imagine someone playing that famous opening riff on their armpit. Now, add a tinny back beat, like something found on a three-year-olds’ Playskool toy piano. Then the vocals start. Haynes sounds like he’s speaking, not singing, through a public announcement system you might be unfortunate enough to find in a third world airport. He seems to be imitating OOM droids from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. You know the ones, the anorexic robots which seem to be a bit thick and fall to pieces when shot. If you can stomach listening to this mess, it will induce first disbelief, then disgust, and finally vigorous swearing. Yes, these pretentious hipsters have been covering Deep Purple for a cheap, ironic “look at the long haired Neanderthals” laugh. Fuck ‘em. The Venerable Anthem deserves better than to be fucked with by these assholes. Mr Thompson may have been trying to expand the audience attracted to this album by adding an alt-rock band, but all it does is alienate the loyal headbanging and hard-rocking fanbase Deep Purple had built over the previous four decades. This band is what the skip button was designed for.

Eight ninths of this album should go down reasonably well with Deep Purple fans. It’s just The Flaming Lips mockery leaves an incredibly bitter taste in the mouth that much of the good will and good times contained here will be forgotten. This is a shame. Deep Purple, ‘Machine Head’ and The Venerable Anthem deserve better.