PORKY VAGINA — Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls and Few Other Piggy Covers (review)

PORKY VAGINA — Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls and Few Other Piggy Covers album cover

EP · 2009 · Pornogrind

3.5/5 · 2016-12-22
Vim Fuego

An earworm is a terrible invasive thing. It burrows in through your ear and infects your brain. Soon, it starts to ruin your concentration, looping itself over and over in your mind, driving you to distraction. There is seemingly little to do about it, short of infecting yourself with a more powerful, and hopefully less annoying melodic parasite.

Christmas time is the earworm’s prime hunting season. How often have you found yourself dreaming of a white Christmas, only to have a bunch of 80s pop stars asking if you know it’s Christmas time at all, followed by a squeaky pre-teen Michael Jackson spying on his mother and a fat bloke in a red suit, and finally yelling to yourself “Fuck off Snoopy!”, and wishing the Red Baron had just let rip with his twin 7.92 mm "Spandau" lMG 08 machine guns from his Fokker Dr.I.

Porky Vagina have another solution. Give yourself aural trichinosis with “Porky Vagina Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls And Few Other Piggy Covers”. The trichinosis worm, caught by eating undercooked pork, can cause diarrhoea, abdominal pain, and vomiting, and can later lead to swelling of the face, inflammation of the whites of the eyes, fever, muscle pains, and a rash, and further complications may include inflammation of heart muscle, central nervous system involvement, and inflammation of the lungs. Sound unpleasant? Well, it will stop you thinking about Frosty the friggin’ Snowman!

These Polish porcine porno-grind fuckers produced a little Christmas EP of cover songs mangled almost beyond belief, the perfect antidote to a yuletide hangover. “Jingle Balls” (yes, balls, not bells!) is grunted and burped by a rutting boar, and has an incredible blast beat. Or at least, an incredibly inappropriate blast beat. And it is only 38 seconds long. Yes, this little EP was produced by a couple of diseased minds in Bukkake John and Pigfucker, and the humour is almost as under-developed and immature as the music.

“Maciora Walc”, which translates to “Sow’s Waltz”, is that rarest of things in porno-grind, and probably grindcore in general, an actual 3/4 timed waltz! With a blast beat. “Piggy Rangers” is a juvenile cover of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers theme song. With a blast beat. “Vaginaganza” is a reinterpretation of the “Bonanza” theme song. With a blast beat. “Genital March” is a bacon-flavoured reworking of John Williams’ majestic “Imperial March” from Star Wars, and just for a change, no blast beat.

There are two Excrementory Grindfuckers covers, “Final Grinddown” and “I Like My Grindcore”, which were originally covers themselves. Even the kings of rock and pop can’t escape Porky Vagina’s hamming it up, with both “Jailhouse Rock” (“Jailhouse Fuck”) and “Smooth Criminal” (“Snoochie Boochie Smooth Vaginal”) getting a full on, unlubricated buggering.

Bukkake John and Pigfucker jam an absolute shitload of silliness and grindcore mischief into eight and a half minutes of what should only be loosely described as music, but fuck it, it’s infectiously likeable, and filthily funny. Give “Porky Vagina Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls And Few Other Piggy Covers” a go and instead of the usual schmaltzy earworm rattling around in your head, a Polish parasite residing in your brain will be compelling you to grunt and squeal “Jingle Balls” instead.