MANOWAR — The Hell of Steel (review)

Boxset / Compilation · 1994 · US Power Metal

5/5 · 2016-03-24
Vim Fuego

Scene: The Citadel of Nu-Metal war room, some time around the year 2000. The War Cabinet is sitting. Things are looking grim. The assembly is in an uproar. Someone is crying.

Jonathon Davis [Korn]: (Bangs gavel) Order, order dudes! Chester, stop crying!

Chester Bennington [Linkin Park]: I can’t help it. *sob* We haven’t gone gold in outer Mongolia.

Davis: (Rolls eyes) Back to the matter at hand, gentle-dudes. Our plans for world domination are well at hand. We have brainwashed millions of teens worldwide into accepting our message and our musical mediocrity. We own the airwaves, the record stores, most of the festivals and a majority of the media. (Applause from the assembly.) However, we’ve discovered a few pockets of resistance. We’ve recently become aware of this, this… abomination! (Points at the Manowar album lying on the table. On the front cover is a muscle-bound warrior, bloodied sword in one hand, demon head in the other. Scantily clad maidens and imps surround the warrior. It is titled “The Hell Of Steel”.) This, this… THING goes against all we hold True… I mean Nu! If it gets out, it will upset the Nu-World Order! We must find a way to combat it! Does anyone have any ideas?

Joey Jordison [Slipknot]: I like his mask.

Max Cavalera [Soulfly]: Let’s fuck shit up motherfuckers!

Jon: Now, you say that all the time Max. What exactly do you mean by “fucking shit up”?

Max: Well, I fucked Sepultura up didn’t I?

David Draiman [Disturbed]: (From under the table) He’s right you know. Sepultura used to be True, but then they went Nu.

Jon: Dave, why are you under the table?

David: I have to keep my head down here because I got my chin piercings caught in my wallet chain.

Coby Dick [Papa Roach]: I feel your pain, dude.

Chester: (Inspecting lyric sheet): These lyrics are weird. There’s nothing about how the world is tough and girls can mess you around and how homework is bad for teenagers. It’s all icky stuff about demons and fighting. It’s enough to make your hair stand on end!

Wayne Static [Static-X]: Did someone call?

David: (Still under the table) Ha! And they call themselves Heavy Metal! Hey, someone’s been sticking bubblegum under here.

Jon: They even had Orson Welles do a monologue for them. How are we supposed to better this?

David: Mmm, strawberry flavour! Um, you could play the bagpipes again.

Chino Moreno [Deftones]: We could tell them to shove it, SHOVE IT, (screams) SHOVE IIIIT!!!

Jon: What would that achieve? And pull your fucking pants up!

Chino: I dunno, but it helped us sell a lot of records.

Joey: Ha! These idiots call their drumkit the Drums Of Doom. Can their drumkit fly? I think not!

Jon: But have you actually heard them? Their drummer actually knows how to keep a beat!

(A collective gasp is heard around the room)

Joey: (very quietly) We’re in trouble…

Coby: I feel your pain, dude.

Max: We need to fuck shit up!

Everyone else: Shut up, Max!

Chester: One of these songs is all funny. I can’t read it.

Jon: You should have tried harder in remedial English. Let me see. (Looks at lyrics sheet) This is in German. This is worse than I thought! Germans love True Metal. These guys have multi-lingual appeal!

Dez Fafara [Coal Chamber]: I know Gibberish. Do you think it would help if we released a song written in Gibberish?

Jon: It doesn’t seem to have helped so far. Um, is that Rammstein dude still here?

Till Lindemann [Rammstein]: Ja.

Jon: Can you read this for us?

Till: Nein. Scheissen, achtung Volkswagen!

Fred Durst [Limp Bizkit]: Let’s call Ozzy and ask him if we can do Ozzfest all year round then. He’s Metal, so if we play with him, we’re Metal by association.

Dez: (Raps tunelessly) “Drop the money, you gotta drop the money!” I did a song with Ozzy once.

Jon: It was “Drop the MONKEY” you idiot. I don’t think Ozzy would go for it. He has to take the dogs to the vet.

Chino: Kelly and Sharon aren’t THAT ugly.

Fred: Then let’s call Marilyn Manson and ask him if we can do Ozzfest all year round.

(Everyone stares at Fred)

Jon: Fred, we’ve been through this before. Ozzfest is Ozzy’s festival, not Marilyn’s. That’s why it’s not called Manifest.

Chester: Why are there only four of them? They haven’t got anyone to do their samples or scratching or rapping.

Jon: I don’t know.

Max: I know why! They do these things called solos! I did one once, back in 1989! It hurt my fingers.

Wayne: Fingers? You mean you used more than one finger to play a chord?

Max: Yeah, and we used to use more than three chords in a song too, but I used to leave most of them up to Andreas.

Wayne: More than three chords? What a waste!

Fred: What about the rapping? Can they bust a rhyme, sublime, in time, like mine?

Jon: I don’t know. Perhaps we should listen to it.

Chester: I don’t know about that, it might be scary…

Coby: I feel your pain, dude.

Max: Let’s fuck shit up!

(Various objects are thrown at Max)

Everyone else: SHUT UP MAX!

Jon places the disc in the stereo and turns it on. Suddenly, the earsplitting boom of “Fighting The World” bursts forth from the speakers. Dust and plaster starts to fall from the ceiling. The cabinet members all dive for cover under the table, except David, who is already there. Chester starts crying again, while Fred starts whining. The walls tremble. Larger pieces of debris fall from the ceiling. Four mighty horsemen crash through the wall, armed with a sword of steel, a battleaxe, a spiked club and a mighty hammer of war. The Nu-Metallers are momentarily struck dumb by the sight of the Metal Kings, before begging for their lives. The Metal Kings show no mercy, and slay all without hesitation, while the Citadel collapses into a pile of rubble.

The dust clears as the finals strains of “Master Of The Wind” trail off. A lone figure struggles from the wreckage. It is Max. His dreadlocks have fallen off, replaced by a mullet, and his piercings have disappeared. He pulls a phone from his pocket.

Max: Hello, Igor? This is Max. Wanna get the band back together and do a ‘Beneath The Remains’ anniversary tour? Yeah, I think I’m cured.

more than 2 years ago
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Unitron wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Oh don't worry, I knew it was all in good fun and wasn't over-analyzing it. I was just curious if you wrote this before the aforementioned bands went in a different direction. :-)

voila_la_scorie wrote:

more than 2 years ago

My friend loved it! I shared the link on Facebook.

Vim Fuego wrote:

more than 2 years ago

All these bands were what was popular at the time, and were taking up all the pages in Metal Hammer magazine, where once upon a time there had been stories about bands like Manowar. Not caring for it much, I used to just lump everything in to nu-metal because it was a convenient place to put bands I didn't like.I have since become a fan of Rammstein, a bit of Devildriver (Dez) and it did sort of come true in a way, because Max and Igor got back together in Cavalera Conspiracy! Please don't over-analyse this too much. It is just a fun, and different way to do a review, and to be honest, I actually laughed myself when I read it again. :)

Unitron wrote:

more than 2 years ago

While I enjoy some of these bands, I still found this really entertaining. I assume you wrote this in 2004, as Static-X and Disturbed had nothing to do with Nu-metal later on.

voila_la_scorie wrote:

more than 2 years ago

I had the video playing in my mind the whole time. Best review ever for entertainment value. Sharing on Facebook!

Vim Fuego wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Till Lindemann was there because he was the only well-known German I could think of in 2004.