KING DIAMOND — "Them" (review)

Album · 1988 · Heavy Metal

1/5 · 2020-04-17
Vim Fuego

King Diamond has one of the most remarkable voices in metal. His operatic falsetto wail was the outstanding feature of Mercyful Fate’s supernaturally powerful, distinctive sound. He then forged a successful solo career, along fairly similar lines, a little less technical, a little more theatrical. Diamond had done so much for metal. So why the hell did he inflict this monstrosity upon us?

There’s nothing wrong with the music on this album. Diamond has always assembled outstanding musicians, and the songwriting is impressive. The playing and arrangements are second to none. His voice is top notch. So what makes it a monstrosity?

The first clue is in the first few seconds of the album. “Out From The Asylum” is one of the cheesiest, stupidest introductions to an album ever. It’s just totally fucking silly. And it all just gets worse from there...

So, yeah, apparently Grandma has kangaroos loose in the top paddock, but it’s time to welcome her home from the asylum. What could possibly go wrong?

Grandma has a tea party with people who aren’t really there, but King is told to forget about it. Next, Grandma offers to teach him about Amon over another cup of tea, this time with Ma’s blood in it (hint: Amon isn’t Chris Amon, the motor racer who competed in 96 grand prix, and won the 1966 Le Mans 24-hour race).

There’s the voices of “them” which the album gets it’s name from, his sister Missy tries to stop “them, so “they” chop her to bits with a broken teapot, King stumbles outside, snaps out of the enchantment, kills Grandma, and ends up in an asylum himself. It’s such a dumb fucking story. If you’re going to do a concept album, don’t write a concept which reads like a nine-year-old’s idea of a horror movie. This is just impossible to listen to without rolling eyes, cringing, and wondering how the hell such an iconic metal artist thought this was a good idea, not to mention his band, label, or even management. Artists should have full control over what they create, but at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with someone tapping them on the shoulder and asking “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

The answer is “no it wasn’t.” If you want a good fix of King Diamond, go and listen to “The Eye” or “Abigail”, or “Fatal Portrait”. Save your rolling eyes from the strain of “Them”.

more than 2 years ago
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Vim Fuego wrote:

more than 2 years ago

@Unitron yes, it would be double double quotes, which would look silly... When I was a newspaper reporter many years ago, we had to use double double quotes so our ancient computer system would pick them up.

Vim Fuego wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Because the story was so bad it has put me right off it. It's like a turd in a swimming pool - excellent water slide, great diving boards, well-trained life guards, but I still bumped into a floating poo.
I'm obviously in a minority though, because doing a bit of research into it, it sold 200,000 copies in the US alone.

siLLy puPPy wrote:

more than 2 years ago

If you're saying there's nothing wrong with the music on this one then why only 1 star?

siLLy puPPy wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Sometimes stories are in code. I'm with the love this one crowd

IndianaJones wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Never thought that someone liking King Diamond could have such a negative opinion on "Them". For me, this is tied with Abigail as the best King album. I quite like the story, but I'm all about cheesy things anyway :D Anyway, fascinating how differently people can see things.

Nightfly wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Ha ha, yes agree pretty corny concept but that aside I do love this album, top 5 King Diamond material I'd say.

UMUR wrote:

more than 2 years ago

I couldn´t disagree more :-). I think it´s an absolutely brilliant album, and I´ve always liked the story too. "Abigail" is superior, I can agree on that part. The only thing that has always bothered me a bit on "Them" is the sound production, which is thin sounding. It sounds a bit like Dee is smashing on a cardboard box. I have a review in backlog of this album, and I´ll read quite different from this one. To each his own and that´s as always perfectly alright.

adg211288 wrote:

more than 2 years ago

I'm getting inspiration for a new forum thread: the dumbest concept album stories. :P

Unitron wrote:

more than 2 years ago

Good and funny review, never heard this album but the story sounds absolutely ridiculous. I generally only like concept albums/rock operas when you can completely ignore the concept and just get good music (If I wanted a story, I'd read a book or watch a movie!), but this sounds like it's hard to ignore the story.

Also, wouldn't this be ""Them"" as the album name has quotation marks? lol